Hey, I get it.
As engineers, many of us feel more at home with code, data, and problems than with people.
If you’re a new or aspiring engineering manager worried you’re “not good with people,” you’re not alone – and it doesn’t have to stay that way.
The truth is, every leadership skill with people is learnable.
With the right mindset and habits, you can grow into a confident people leader.
Here are seven tactical tips to boost your confidence and effectiveness with your team, drawn from my own journey and lessons we live by at the Oasis of Courage and The Happy Engineer Podcast.
Let’s do this!
7 Confidence-Building Tips for Engineering Managers “Not Good with People”
#1 – Kill the “Not a People Person” Lie
First, drop the label. Telling yourself “I’m just not good with people” is not only painful – it’s false. It’s a story that will hold you back if you keep believing it. People skills are exactly that: skills. And like any engineering skill, they can be learned and improved.
One of my podcast guests, Mark Metry, uses a great analogy: if social anxiety or shyness is like a virus in your brain’s software, you can learn to uninstall it and reprogram yourself.
I love that! Instead of assuming you’re inherently bad with people, start telling yourself you’re growing your people skills.
Embrace a learning mindset. I’ve seen countless engineers transform once they stop defining themselves by a lack and start designing themselves for growth.
It takes courage to challenge that story, but that’s where real change begins.
#2 – Clarity Is Your Best Friend
You don’t need to be a slick extrovert to lead people well – you need to be clear. Clear communication and expectations go a long way toward building trust with your team. In fact, one of the most important leadership lessons I coach is this: delegation isn’t the issue – clarity is.
Strong leaders make sure everyone knows what “success” looks like on a task or project. If you’re giving an assignment, take an extra minute to spell out the desired outcome and constraints. If something isn’t working, communicate it plainly and kindly.
Clarity shows respect. It prevents confusion, rework, and stress down the line. Remember, clear is kind – your team will appreciate it, and you’ll feel more confident when everyone is on the same page.
#3 – Crush Your Comfort Zone, Create Courage
Leading people will sometimes feel uncomfortable – do it anyway. The moments that make you say “ugh, I’d rather not have that conversation” are usually the moments that matter most.
Whether it’s giving constructive feedback, mediating a conflict, or speaking up for your team, don’t let discomfort stop you. Every time you crush a comfort zone limitation, you grow. I often remind the engineers I coach that comfort is a terrible metric for decision-making.
Growth requires courage. Take the initiative to do the hard thing, even when it scares you. Volunteer to lead the meeting. Have that one-on-one chat you’ve been avoiding.
As I wrote recently, successful leaders deliberately do the hard things – they step up even when it feels scary, because that’s how you open new opportunities.
The more you act with courage, the more your confidence will catch up.
#4 – Ask Better Questions (and Listen)
You might think great “people people” are great talkers, but I’ll let you in on a secret: they’re usually great listeners. Instead of worrying about what to say, focus on asking good questions and truly listening to the answers.
Genuine curiosity is your best friend here. When you ask thoughtful questions, you show others that their ideas and perspectives matter.
As my friend Chris Fenning highlighted on the podcast, better questions lead to better outcomes. So in your next one-on-one or team discussion, talk less and listen more. Ask follow-ups like, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What do you think we should do?” Then really listen.
You’ll be amazed how much trust and connection you build by simply hearing people out. Listening more also takes the pressure off you to have all the answers. Remember, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason – use them in that proportion.
#5 – Put People Before Projects
As an engineering leader, it’s easy to get laser-focused on the technical deliverables and forget the human element. Don’t fall into that trap. Prioritize relationships alongside results.
In one episode of The Happy Engineer, leadership expert Alain Hunkins pointed out that many engineers treat ideas as more real than the people behind them – thinking the logic of the problem matters more than someone’s feelings.
’ve been guilty of this myself in the past. We get so wrapped up in “being right” that we can steamroll our teammates without realizing it. So make it a habit to see the person in front of you. Before diving into tasks or critiques, take a moment to connect.
Ask your team members how they’re doing. Listen to their concerns. Show empathy. When people know you genuinely care about them (not just the code they write), they’ll trust you more and perform better.
Bottom line: treat your team like human beings, not just resources, and you’ll create loyalty and a healthier work environment.
#6 – Don’t Go It Alone
You might feel like you’re the only engineering manager struggling with “people stuff,” but trust me, you’re not. Leadership is a team sport – you don’t have to figure it all out solo.
Early on, I made the mistake of isolating myself, and it slowed my growth. Now I know the power of having a support network. Find a mentor or coach who excels at the people side of leadership.
Connect with peers who also want to grow these skills. As I often say, don’t go it alone. Surround yourself with people who push you to grow.
The mindset and habits of great leaders will rub off on you when you’re in their orbit. Join communities (like our Happy Engineer community) where you can swap stories and advice in a safe space. There’s huge confidence in knowing you have backup – folks to brainstorm tough conversations with or to remind you that you’re making progress.
So build your tribe. Together, we accelerate far faster than we ever could alone.
#7 – Build Confidence Through Action
Ever hear the saying “motion beats meditation”? Overthinking is a career killer, especially when it comes to leadership. The best way to get confident with people is to get out there and lead in real life.
Do something small today to flex those people skills. It could be as simple as striking up a non-work conversation with a teammate or running a retrospective meeting if you usually shy away from facilitation. Remember that inaction feeds stagnation, while even a small step forward is progress.
Success loves speed – so don’t wait for the “perfect” moment. Take action before you feel 100% ready. Each action you take is an experiment to learn from. Maybe your first team discussion as a manager isn’t flawless – that’s okay. You’ll learn and improve.
Momentum is huge: every positive interaction or solved conflict will boost your confidence a little more. As I often remind our community, momentum builds confidence.
Do the next right thing now, learn from it, and keep going. Over time, those small wins stack up into big growth.
Finally, remember: you became an engineer to solve meaningful problems – and the most meaningful problems usually involve people.
Lean into that challenge with clarity, courage, and action. You can become a people-focused leader without changing who you are at the core. Keep these tips in your toolkit and go put them into practice.
Ready to grow further? You don’t have to do it alone (tip #6, right?). If you want more support building your leadership confidence, reach out and connect. Send me a message or join one of our upcoming Happy Hour live coaching sessions.
I’d love to hear which tip resonated most, and help you take the next step toward the clarity and confidence you deserve as a leader. Remember, you were designed for more – so let’s go get it, one courageous step at a time.
Let’s do this!
017: Social Anxiety Society with Mark Metry
208: Do You Make This Common Mistake in Engineering Management?
028: Crack the Leadership Code with Alain Hunkins
